March is Coming

So I have been debating on this post for a while now, but I believe that God has made it very clear to me that now is the time and I will not apologize for any of it.

So it has been nearly three years since our sweet Samuel (I don't know why I must always say sweet before his name, but I must) was born. For those of you that were on that journey with us-Can you believe that it has been THREE YEARS? I surely cannot. There has not been a single day (honestly) that I have not thought of him in some form.
I think the thing I struggle with most is the question from others: "How many kids do you have?" My answer changes every single time probably depending on my mood and how the Spirit is working in me, but I digress.

Since I have been a believer I have had three AHA moments related to my relationship with Christ. Most of my time spent learning about God and his love for me has been a slow disciplining of me to be a woman of God (I realize I fail daily at this, but it is still an ongoing process and always will be), however, those three Aha moments are noteworthy.

1. The first was the day I was sitting in that youth rally in Birmingham(the place of my physical birth and then the place of my spiritual birth) and finally got the fact that Grace was FREE, yet it cost everything! Can I get an AMEN for that? It was truly life changing as I walked up to the front with a dear friend to commit my life to following Christ.

2. My next true realization and understanding (those words are not strong enough) of God's love for me and I do mean unconditional, I would die for you love, was after the birth of our first son, Jackson. I have loved many people in my life and I dearly love my husband, but it was not until someone was made from both Darrell and I that I truly understood that love (oh and friends I am SURE my love is only a tiny fraction of God's great love.)

So I thought my truths were done until a recent dream and my 3rd realization nearly 3 years after Samuel's death. (this is the point where if you have known me for very long you are wondering why I am talking about a dream, because I hate hearing about dreams) In my dream I was giving a Young life talk about Jesus on the Cross-you know the talk everyone dreads b/c it is so sad and full of despair-that is until you get to the resurrection. Anyway in my dream talk I finally had another Aha moment.

As Darrell and I held Samuel March 29th and sent everyone out of the room we unplugged him from everything that was giving him life. We sang to him and kissed him and let our tears fall on him. After a few minutes (really I have no idea how much time had passed) we signaled the nurses in and told them we thought he had passed. The sweetest nurse, Amy, listened for a long time and looked at us and said-no he is still alive. Really? This is where in my dream I felt just a teeee tiny bit of God's pain. Really, God must have thought? My son, Jesus has not suffered enough-the crown of thorns, being whipped, being spat upon, clothes being ripped. That isn't painful enough, not enough to save them, save us-now He must hang from a cross and die.

Folks that is where my similarities end, b/c Samuel was not abused in those ways, but Friends it was tough to go on and to watch him and hold him as he did pass on especially since we learned later that the only part of his brain that was working was the part that received pain.

My three moments: 1. Grace, 2. Love 3. Sacrifice of suffering
I am sure there will be more to come and I love that they came in such different ways.

If you journeyed with us to meet Samuel and journeyed with us as he was added to the Kingdom of Heaven-Thank You.